I don't know why I clicked it. I wish I never clicked it and I wish I never knew. I survived two and a half months completely without you in my heartaches. I don't know why I even clicked. But I was curious. So I clicked. I read. I deciphered. And ouch. Was I truly over you? Probably not. Why am I back to the start now? I know there's better days ahead, Your promises are true. I just don't understand why. Nothing was said to me for 2 and a half years. The best line I've managed to craft as a failure for the relationship was: " For 2 years she showed me off like a shiny penny. She's boasting about the freedom I give us. She's proudly telling people about liking my independence. So what did I do? I assumed I was doing a good job and kept up with it. " But deep inside, was it really what she felt? I've learnt at the last day that she didn't. For 2 years she felt like I was an asshole who wasn't emotionally available. That's h...
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What happens. What happens, when someone you saw for three full years, turns out to be someone totally different? How do you react? I'm now just in a huge state of shock and mostly, disappointment. Never thought you'd do those things. Never thought you'd be that easy and open to anyone. Sigh. I just wish. Wish that you were really that small tiny innocent girl you portrayed yourself to be. Or maybe, I wish I had never found out. Just wish I could see you as the girl I was never able to get. Just wish.
Breather. Haven't had time to sit and just relax the past few 2 weeks. Was doing a freelance event in Suntec on 1 March and got a call that grandma on my mom's side has passed on. So that Sunday till Thursday was kind of spent at the wake in CCK every evening. Friday had a shoot for my company, Saturday had church, Sunday filmed Roger & Gloria's morning gatecrash and afternoon matrimony service, followed by a concert at Suntec. Think my real break only came after Sunday. The past week was pretty much office hours for me, with some free time here and there to meet people and actually relax. I think I'm done with being busy after tomorrow. Hopefully my schedule for the following week starting from Monday will be okay. I need a break. I need to cycle. I need to watch a sunset.
Chinese New Year 2015. So, I've passed 3 weeks in the workforce. I think this year's CNY passed quite fast yet it felt long as well. Wednesday was CNY eve and I left work at 2. Headed home, chilled awhile, then grabbed my bike out for a cycle to Punggol at 330. I believe it's the first time I've brought my bike out since the split. Could really feel a change in my stamina. Got home by 6, had dinner with sister, and then went out at night to catch the countdown at Chinatown. Day 1 was simpler. Relatives visited my place in the afternoon, and then I went out in the evening to meet a friend and walked along Kembangan, Katong, East Coast, and back to Kembangan. Then later at night I met Yingwen for supper at mac. Day 2 passed the fastest. Woke up to a bad stomachache, but still attempted to carry on the day as planned. Left home at about 3 to head to my aunt's place in CCK. Stayed for a bit until 5 plus and then headed for Jeremy's place in Sengkang for stea...
Tomorrow I will start a new phase. I will step into full-time work. Truth be told I am not confident of doing well, but I will give this a shot anyway. I'll just use it as a stepping stone into the working world. Maybe it'll be my "meanwhile" job, maybe it'll be a platform to propel me elsewhere farther, maybe it'll be my future. I'll never know, but I'll try. It'll be good if my freelance jobs and editing didn't only happen now though. I've been working non-stop since Thursday and I've not really relaxed yet. Might be a bad idea to start work unrefreshed. Hmm... Right now I'm hit with another swing. Maybe it's pre-Monday blues, maybe it's my usual Sunday shit. But I'm always scared to be alone on Sunday nights, yet I don't want anyone to be beside me at the same time. Oxymoronic, I know. Anyway, it has been a month. I'm coping fine. I'm seeing the world, seeing my options, and opening up again. I than...
What did I do wrong. Nothing. It's a conclusion after weeks of bashing myself up and wallowing in self pity. A relationship is a marathon. It's not a 100m sprint. It's something I've learnt from my over 30 or 40 relationships. Pace is key. For so long I've been annoyed by your dependence. I'm not God. Every single day you keep it free in case I would suddenly ask you out. You'd think that makes me feel pampered. No. It makes me think that you have no life outside of me. You think that everything that I do is something great and amazing. But sucking up is not the same as supporting someone. These are two entirely different things, separated by a super fine line. You were the former. There will always be a day when you will eventually wear out and just walk off. It's the same as how people leave a charismatic church. They start off super excited and overly willing to serve - which is a good thing - but how long can they last, compared to someone who ta...
This is the current view I have now while typing this out. Yep it's about to rain and I'm feeling the drizzle. This is Pasir Ris fishing pond, near Pasir Ris MRT station. I believe today is the fifth time that I am here in the past two months. I am someone that likes to find quiet places to sit and just recharge myself and this is one of those places. Before this period, I've probably only been here once. I honestly do not remember much, but what I do rememeber is staying here overnight with my uncle to fish. Don't think we caught anything but I do remember spending a good time as well as watching a beautiful sunrise. That's probably 9 years ago in 2006. Tracing back my memories is something I really love. It brings me pain, licks my old wound, but experiencing the sweet moments again somehow feels worth it. It's an indescribable feeling, to stand at the exact same spot and remember how sweet and happy that certain moment felt. I've not found the time ...
It wasn't easy for us to be together. Remember the objections your leader had? Remember how people advised us to just be friends and wait instead? Remember the ones who questioned us? Remember the frustrations we had with all the objections that led to quarrels? We were fighting so hard for each other. We only had a few who truly supported us. But we made through that phase. We became official. Fast forward it by 2 and a half years. All it took were 4 words. Let's just break up. We were fighters. Not literally. But we were fighting to stay together. I guess we both had a different view of relationships. It's okay if one stops fighting. There's still one other person that's still fighting. And that's where the wasted part is, where one still fights but the other chooses to leave the stage completely. Well, I think I've said enough. I shan't brood over an empty stage. I'll just wait for the next person to step up to the stage, and fight togethe...
I think it's time for me to start blogging again. Ever since I got enlisted, I've not had the time to blog much. I guess maybe the reason is that I only use my blog to write about my troubles, and the past 2 years has been pretty smooth. So, it's now 2015 and I've collected another failed relationship to my list. I think I've had a revelation last night that the real reason for this failed relationship with Sherri has to do with my principle. I tried looking back and thinking about my priorities and choices, and it just hit me. I'm a workaholic . Let's not talk about school, but about work work. 3 years ago when I was in charge of RadioHeatwave for my internship, all I could focus on was work to the point I screwed up a relationship back then. I also screwed up 2 potential relationships during my stint at RHW. I was such a workaholic that I stayed back in office till 3AM on many nights just to finish up things that had a dateline weeks later. If not for ...