我已经变了；但也来不及了

So, it has been a while since I've updated my blog. After all, who even bothers to read my blog? I must say that the past two weeks have been a crazy period for me. To those who know everything that has happened in my life including the tiny details, I thank you for standing with me even if I only shared recently. You'll know who you are. Please stay with me, I need all of you. Every one of you give me a different kind of support in my life.

Here I am, back to the basic. Truth be told, I was quite frustrated with You. I even started to find reasons to have nothing to do with You. Because if it was You, why did You have to put me through this pain THREE times? Is the fourth time going to be good? How do I trust again? But today I've realised that I've made a mistake. So I'm back to basics, on my knees with worship songs. God, it is true that You won't let us see things that we are unable to handle. At first I thought that seeing it would cause me such pain and sadness that I would straight away run and just commit suicide, not kidding. But in the end I just sat by the roadside, reflecting, and chose LOVE. I chose to ignore my circumstance, and let others live their life. I chose to freely give, allow, and step back - because that's what love is.

To be honest I don't know how I survived the past few trials. But if I could do it back then 2 years ago, then I should be able to go through and come out victorious again right? It's like something is always against my long term plans. The moment I even think of it, something bad happens. Sigh. I really don't know what else to do already. I have no more energy to trust and build my life in someone else's life again. It's like digging a hole with spoon through dehydrated soil in their life, planting a seed of you, and water it to let it grow. Most seeds that I've spend so much effort building in and planning on how to nurture in the future have grown and been chopped off by them. I'm really too tired to plant another seed. I'm really too tired to let another person into my life. I'm also really too tired to build anything for now. If anyone wants, my seed is ready. My life is here, take and get to know it.

Mom is still in the hospital. She is suspected of having lymphoma, a type of cancer and the doctors suspect that a growth of this size is likely to be malignant. We obviously haven't told her yet, apart that there is a huge growth inside of her. Everyday everyone is worried sick and the house is in quite a mess. Trying to keep it tidy and well as much as possible though.

I'm going to stay away for awhile. Through the years I've been retreating farther and farther back. Through the years I've become more and more of an introvert. I don't really express myself out that much or socialise as much as compared to the past. Maybe one day I'll just be a mute and keep quiet about everything. That should be better for everything.

I really need to scream and let everything out. I really do. You have no idea how this whole week has changed everything. I just suddenly wished that it was me who was given the death sentence instead of my mother. This earth is just too painful a place to live in. I am happy for you, yet I am really really sunken. This deep sinking feeling that keeps going deeper. Sigh. Nevermind. Can I just die now, please? Please.